what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
