He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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