it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
