i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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