I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
