Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
