nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
