When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
