thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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