i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
