been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
