as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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