Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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