honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i think i have two assholes
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I don't deserve a penis
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
