oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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