Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
