I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
