He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
