Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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