I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
