Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i drank out of a bidet.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
