i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
