got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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