Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
