just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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