Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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