ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
