News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I checked into jail on foursquare
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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