Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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