i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
