hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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