true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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