You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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