what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
