we're blogging at a bar
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
