I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
