You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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