somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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