Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
bring money and cleavage
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
