He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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