I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
