I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He better not be in your backpack
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
