I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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