I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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