So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
