Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Randomize
