he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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