he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
