I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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