Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
