i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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