my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
