She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
