The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
