it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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