i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
