I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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