Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
