Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
