Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
