no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
